NBA All Cool Team

The news keeps coming! All week I’ve been preparing to write about the draft, the trades, and free agency. In that time we’ve had deals announced, deals scuttled, and Trevor Ariza traded three times already. It’s too much for any of us to process in real time. So in the immortal words of Treebeard, let’s not be hasty.

Instead, let’s lay a foundation for this blog with my personal NBA All Cool Team. Coolness is an indescribable quality, but you know it when you see it, and the NBA, as the coolest of sports leagues is full of it. So here they are, in my opinion, the coolest of the cool:

Point Guard: Damian Lillard

We begin with arguably the coolest player in the league. Dame has it all. He’s a superstar. His game is impeccable, a mixture of total control, merciless shooting from unconscionable distance, and absolute hammer dunks. Like most of the players on this list, he plays with dignity, avoiding James Harden’s frequent loafing and Chris Paul’s never-ending complaining. He’s the best rapper in the league. He’s loyal to Portland, and reps Oakland endlessly. His collection of highlights, game winners, and subsequent memes is unrivaled. He is a master of humor in its all its forms: his trash talk is unparalleled, he arrived for a game costumed as Stone Cold Steve Austin, and he starred in the best training video ever made, complete with Nerf guns, pool noodles, and hula hoops. “Dame Time” is without a doubt the best catchphrase in the league.

When I heard about Harden wanting to leave Houston after they’d catered to his every wish for years I thought to myself, “Dame would never do that.” Regarding Harden, he is undeniably cool at times, and if it is true that he wants out of Houston because Tilman Fertitta is a Trump supporter then all of his past transgressions are forgiven. Dame however, has never had to apologize for anything, because he does always what’s right. He’s spoken about how he recognizes the effect his decisions have on others around him, and that he thinks about more than just his own career when he acts. He proves, once and for all, that caring is cool. His career is pristine, ring or no, and he is a champion where it matters most: in our hearts. 

Shooting Guard: Klay Thompson

Klay tearing his ACL was a huge bummer. Him tearing his Achilles is a Tragedy. While Dame is a hero, doing things we can only dream of, Klay is relatable. Obviously he is an all-world athlete and one of the best pure shooters of all time. But he’s just so chill. He reads the paper in the locker room. He hoops. He goes to the beach with his dog. He plays great defense, and his offense comes in the flow of the game. Nobody comes closer in reality to being NBA Jam-level "on fire." You will not see Klay kicking out his feet and falling to the ground in search of free throws every time someone comes near him. He lives a simple, righteous, joyous life, and we live a part of it through him. Now, with him injured again, we share in his pain, we feel a part of his loss. Maybe this is why so many saints are martyrs. Their miracles shine the brighter shrouded by the darkness of their pain.

Small Forward: Jimmy Butler

Do I even need to explain? Nobody had a better Bubble than Jimmy Butler. Nothing was cooler than his perfect symbiosis with the Heat, the joy he took in seeing his teammates succeed, and the games he won almost single-handedly, playing flawless, inspired basketball. He made huge plays when it mattered most. He grinded endlessly. He ran a coffee shop out of his hotel room.

But let’s not limit Jimmy’s coolness to the bubble. He was building to this moment for a long time. What’s cooler than rising to the top after starting at the bottom like he did in Chicago? What’s cooler than cussing out all your bosses and co-workers, telling them they can’t win without you, and being proven right immediately, like he did in Minnesota? What’s cooler than walking out on a situation that doesn’t feel right and finding your home, like he did when he left Philly for Miami? The best part about Jimmy Butler silencing his haters is how much fun he has doing it. He is two middle fingers and a smile incarnate.

Power Forward: Draymond Green

I know. I KNOW. This is not what I expected either. In years past, we could look to classic power forwards like Shawn Kemp, Rasheed Wallace, and Boris Diaw as some of the coolest players around. That is not the case today. The emphasis on small ball and three pointers is partly to blame. Guards masquerading as forwards is en vogue. I thought about putting Matisse Thybulle, a very cool young swingman who plays must-watch defense here, but it just didn't feel right. 

Part of the issue is my taste. Traditional dirty-work fours like Paul Millsap are near and dear to my heart. While it was awesome to see him stand up to the Clippers’ antagonistic bullshit and carry the Nuggets to an all-time great comeback, he is not all that cool. Kevin Love being a positive role model with regard to mental health is cool. Domantas Sabonis and Bam Adebayo are two impressive young bigs who play awesome basketball, but they don’t have quite the personality to fit in here. Plus they’re really at their best as centers.

Giannis, Zion, Jayson Tatum and Ben Simmons all fit the bill as exciting young stars who fit in more or less as power forwards, but in their cases, they just don’t meet that highly subjective “know it when you see it” coolness criteria. Young Giannis’ naive brilliance and love of smoothies was fun, but those days are gone. Zion isn’t there yet. Tatum doesn’t have it. Simmons feels aloof. A look around at some of the league’s other starting fours: John Collins, Lauri Markkanen, Kristaps Porzingis, Blake Griffin, PJ Tucker, Jaren Jackson Jr., Julius Randle, Aaron Gordon, Lamarcus Aldridge. Not what we’re looking for. 

The Lakers have a trio of power forwards who are each, in their own way, trying extremely hard to be cool: Kyle Kuzma, Anthony Davis, and LeBron James. Kuzma we can dismiss immediately - I included him exclusively to mock him. Davis is an incredible basketball player, but his awkward, uncomfortable departure from New Orleans, one of the coolest cities around, was decidedly uncool, and as Wilt Chamberlain said so well, nobody roots for Goliath. That leaves us with LeBron and Draymond, perfect foils for each other, once again battling for the top spot.

LeBron has a lot going for him. His efforts off the court deserve applause. His love of top shelf wine is near and dear to my heart, and will be the subject of a future blog post. Sure, he can be a control freak on the court, and he’s a next-level whiner at times, but overall, his game is a marvel to witness, and we should treasure every moment of it. Passing, dunks, blocks, fade-aways - he does it all. It is very cool to see a true mastermind, at the top of his game, playing with a level of athleticism and skill that few have ever equaled. Where his coolness suffers is how often he chooses to cast people aside in the pursuit of some arbitrary greatness, rather than letting it come to him naturally. He’s built his empire doing what Dame won’t. 

So then, why Draymond? First, because playing great defense is cool. Draymond stuffs people, picks their pockets, and shuts down bigger players in the post. Second, because being a genius is cool. Draymond has a mind on par with LeBron’s. The difference is that he shares it with us readily, and that he relies on it to a greater degree. It’s tremendously fun watching Draymond stay one step ahead, and even more fun hearing him talk about it after. In addition, playing hard is cool, passing is cool, and unrepentantly being yourself is cool. The fact that Draymond shoots like he’s wearing a backpack is not cool, but it is one of the funniest and most accurate observations ever made about a basketball player, which is sort of cool in its own way. There are tons of valid reasons to dislike Draymond, but when you see him block a shot, grab the rebound and lead the break to perfection it’s basketball in its purest form, and that’s cool to me.

Center: Nikola Jokic

Who else could it be? As Bill Walton said, “Empty the Thesaurus.” Describing him as the best passing big man in the game, and maybe of all time, is insufficient. He is a basketball universe unto himself. He is a conduit for pure imagination. The Joker is an apt nickname because he does the impossible so effortlessly that it feels more like trickery than anything else. Much as only the court jester can mock the king, when Jokic makes a fool of someone on the court they can only shake their head and laugh. It would be foolish to model your game after him. A mere mortal playing this way would turn the ball over so often and would pile up bricks so irresponsibly that they would be kicked out of any game they tried to join.

If he wasn’t such a genius passing the ball we would rank his scoring abilities among the best. He has no flaws on offense. He sees everything, makes passes no one else can make and no one can defend, swishes unguardable parabolas from deep, has a bag of mid-range trickery and floaters as deep as anyone’s, and when all else fails, can bludgeon you to death in the post. He’s a solid and nimble defender when fully engaged - the playoffs - and he is every bit the rebounder you’d expect of a person his size. 

I was afraid that his quarantine weight loss would sap his strength, but he rose to another level in the bubble. His chemistry with Jamal Murray is a pleasure to behold, and he’s a fun, honest interview. His pudgy childhood photos, earnest love of horses, and obvious affinity for water polo only add to the mystique. Palming a rebound and flicking a perfect pass the length of the court in one smooth motion; it doesn’t get any cooler than that.